There's not a lot of it about

Until BC spurt their loins upon the live stage at the Fair Play Festival, we are once again in the barren wasteland of No Band News -Ville…So to make up for that, and inspired by a particularly peculiar comment from our very own Professor Krisps, I have found myself in the hallowed position of presenting....

The Illustrated Bomb Culture List of Shit You Don’t See Anymore…

Birds flying into windows – The sight of random feathered creatures battering themselves against clear glass was a highlight of anyone’s childhood memories, but as time moves forward this rare phenomenon seems to have disapated. Have birds learnt to be a bit more wiley when it comes to windows or is there something more sinister afoot? Were birds just lulling us into a false sense of security by pretending to be stupid and therby making their plans for global domination all the more fantastical to believe? You be the judge, as frankly I can’t be arsed.

Flashers wearing long macs and the bottom half of their trousers (from the knee down and secured with elastic) – Now, I can’t actually say I was ever accoseted by the ‘Park Perv’, but it seems to me that the media of my childhood were obsesed by this legendary figure. Huddled behind a bush wearing only a long mac and fake trouser bottoms, this right-handed casanova would leap into the path of a passing pedestrian, throw open his coat and jiggle his dangly bits, whilst also making the regulation noise of ‘PHWOAR! Have a butchers at that then!’ . Where did these bush-dweling love-machines go? Just like the ‘Weird Uncle’ that every family has, these lovabley dereanged perverts have seemingly disapered from our parks and dark alleyways, to be taken over in the media’s affections by his more glamorous sibling the pedophile. A sad sign of the times, if you ask me…so come on Britain, lets get back to what make Britain Great – Throw on your filthy mac’s and let’s bring back the Park Perv!

Warnings about stealing birds eggs – During my formative years the fear of becoming a viction of crime ran deep in my young bones, but the fear of the repurcusions of getting caught for a crime, ran even deeper. From the perspective of Media aimed at Children, the mopst heinous crime of all was Egg Theft. John Craven regularly reported on the theft of Eggs and just how widespread and despicable it was. Specially made adverts showing long-haired parka-wearing kids up trees rifling through nests for the egg-shaped bounty, were commonplace. I was terrified, but not because I ever had intetntion of stealing eggs (I really couldn’’t see why you would in the first place ) but just in case that unbeknowst to me, an egg would accidently tumble from a nest and land in my pocket, leading to arrest and incarciration – such was the power of the message. So what happened ? Did thieves suddenly realise that, actually there wasn’t very much profit in stealing eggs and reverted to stealing cash instead? Did the bird’s get wise and start locking their nests at night? Maybe we will never know, but to this day I still check my pockets when walking under trees.

So there ya go, a small number of things you don’t see any more, but we do not present these items to you as some sort of cosy nostalgia trip, we give them to you as a rallying call. If we truly want the nation of ours to be great then it’s up to us to bring back the Shit You Don’t See Anymore! So come on people, lets sellotape bread to windows and watch as birds crash into them, then whilst they’re still dazed we can follow them back to their nests, fill the pockets of our flashers mac’s with eggs, and jump from bushes wiggling our dangly bits. If everyone in Britain heard the call then we could build a new Jerusalem, and maybe just maybe, we could fill the World with love.

But it doesn’t end there…oh no! We’d like to know what you haven’t seen in a while! Maybe your hideously ugly and you haven’t been able to face yourself in the mirror for years, or perhaps your sickeningly obese and haven’t seen your penis since you were a child. Whatever quirky little thing or fun-packed abnormality it is , we want to knowto about it! Just leave your suggestion in the comment box below and we’ll do our best not to ignore it.
Oh, And just in case you forgot, the next gig is August 30th – Fair Play Festival , Lansdowne Hotel, Main Stage at 6pm! BE THERE!

Bomb Culture – A bit like Five Star but without the Nonce…Oh all right, with the Nonce